My expectations change all the time

“In my mind

In a future five years from now

I’m one hundred and twenty pounds

And I never get hung over

Because I will be the picture of discipline

Never minding what state I’m in

And I will be someone I admire

And it’s funny how I imagined

That I would be that person now

But it does not seem to have happened

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see

That I am not exactly the person that I thought I’d be”

Amanda Palmer, In My Mind

This song made me remember my 30th birthday. I was attending a conference in Frankfurt. I remember how I woke up in my hotel room and walked in to the bathroom. When I looked in to the mirror my mind, all the expectations I had when I was twenty flooded into my mind. All my dreams and thoughts of how I thought my life would look like when I was thirty. When I was twenty I was certain that I would have everything figured out when I was thirty; I would be married, I would have children and I would have a clear career ahead of me.

This clashed completely with where I was 6 years ago; I had just met my girlfriend, I had no children, and I was halfway through my PhD. I had fulfilled nothing of what I thought I would and for a few seconds I felt panicked. The feeling turned into amusement and contentment when I realised that I was happy with where I was now and what I was doing. I loved doing my PhD, I loved the freedom I had, and I was so excited to have met the woman I have now married.

“Fuck yes! I am exactly the person that I want to be”

Amanda Palmer, In My Mind